August
Town win 5-0 on the opening day but this is just not enough for some people, with “Clark Out” chants being heard from the away end. Many are surprised by the inclusion of Andy Booth in the starting line-up against Southend due to injuries for Theo Robinson and Robbie Simpson. Rickie Lambert’s move to the Galpharm broke down at the last minute due to freddi99 breaking the clause of silence that he was bound to. However, Booth’s quick-fire hat-trick in the opening ten minutes set Town up for victory. August passes without Town dropping a point or conceding a single goal; even when an injury-hit squad sees Lee Clark pull on the boots and drop into the centre of midfield, earning himself the “Manager’s Man of the Match” award. Stan Ternent’s brand Team Gel flies off the shelves in Boots.

September
Town top the league with the maximum 15 points, however their strong run of form was not to continue into September. MK Dons visit the Galpharm early on in the month and pick up their first win of the season, with their only goal coming late on in the match in a 9-on-1 counter-attack situation. Alan Shearer is sacked as manager of Newcastle as they prop up the Championship without a single point. Rumours circulate that he is to come out of retirement and Town to partner Andy Booth up front, giving the forward line a combined age of 108 years. Town pick up just 3 points during the month, after a scrappy 1-0 home win to Brentford. On the last weekend of the month, The Examiner releases a “9 Weeks ‘Till The Leeds Match” thirty-page special, with free calendar to count down those days!

October
Despite the poor set of results from September, Dean Hoyle expresses his full confidence in manager Lee Clark. Shearer takes the manager’s job at non-league Histon, so Town are left with just two available strikers in Booth and Novak. Robbie Simpson fills Danny Cadamarteri’s place on the treatment table and Theo Robinson receives a lifetime ban from the game after raising his arm in the air when celebrating a goal – now deemed illegal under new FA law. Town pick up form during October, grabbing 2 home wins against Exeter and Leyton Orient and also coming away from The Valley with a draw. However, the main talking point of that match was the tirade of abuse directed at Phil Parkinson, who snapped and went into a murderous rampage on the Town gathering, killing 3. Fortunately though, one of the victims had been banging a drum for the whole match so Parkinson was suddenly deemed a hero amongst the travelling supporters.

November
Into November, and Town sit comfortably in the play-off zone, but just 4 points off an automatic spot. However, fans are getting worried that the up-coming Leeds match has taken priority in the dressing room, with many players creating shrines to Joe Skarz, Michael Collins and Nathan Clarke. Despite this, Lee Clark is insistent that Town are focused on every match until then, as he speaks to htafc.com whilst taking a break from throwing darts at a picture of Simon Grayson. The fans have nothing to worry about though, as Town pick up 10 points from a possible 12, only drawing 3-3 away at Swindon, with Simon Cox grabbing a hat-trick and pushing his tally to 26 for the season. Post-match DATM comments include “He’s a useful player”, “LOLROFLMAO” and “Where can I find a Pav ringtone?”.

December
A busy Christmas period sees Town play 6 games in December, one against Leeds and five against some other less-important teams. The national media have been building-up to this game for weeks, with 3 Match Of The Day broadcasts being solely dedicated to Town-Leeds discussion. Alan Shearer – back on the panel after his stint at Histon didn’t work out – boasts about being approached for the Town job on two separate occasions but had to refuse as there are only three pubs in town that sell Newcastle Brown Ale. The game itself is a 0-0 bore draw with only 1 shot on goal from Alex Smithies, which was more likely to be a goal kick as it only reached the half-way line. A statue of Smithies is erected in the town centre for this achievement. On a side-note, Town win all their other games during December and go into the New Year in 2nd place.

January
Bad news for Town at the start of the month as Steve Black leaves the club to start his new career as a talk-show host. In “Blackie – I’m A Depressed Sportsman, Turn My Career Around!” Blackie talks to depressed sportsmen and turns their careers around. More bad news comes as the FA suspends the transfer window, with rumours circulating that clubs will never be allowed to buy or sell players ever again. On the 9th, Town should visit the St. Mary’s stadium for the first time in their history, however Southampton fold after not paying wages for the whole season and Matt le Tissier is seen working double-shifts in McDonalds. Because of this, Leeds prop up the table due to another 10 point deduction after Ken Bates submits his contentious expenses claim form. The FA feels that a £100,000 payout on a brand new Grass-Away 3000 lawnmower is not justifiable. Town’s form takes a nose-dive as they pick up just one point from a possible 15 including an embarrassing 5-0 home defeat to Yeovil – a hat-trick of Lee Peltier own goals suggests to Town fans that he is yet to find his feet at the club.

February
It’s the Leeds match again!!!!! Town play hosts to the bottom-of-the-league side on February 27th, with absolutely no other matches during the month, at least that’s what the club is saying. However, one DATM poster unearths a long-lost fixture list which shows that Town do actually play other games during February, and a huge conspiracy is uncovered. Lee Clark conceded all four games in order to free up Saturday afternoons for extra training sessions in preparation for the game of the season. The majority of Town fans are fuming, however a small collection are still in full support of the manager, saying that his dedication to beating our fiercest rivals is a quality that should be sought in every future Town manager (the next of which is closer than they think). Hoyle is under extreme pressure to get rid of Clark as another pointless month goes by, and the Leeds match proves to be the final nail in the coffin of the young manager. The Examiner headline reads “Poor refereeing as Leeds scrape 6-0 win”, with a small article at the bottom reading “Clark sacked”.

March
Into March and the annual “Manager Hunt” starts again. Gerry Murphy is drafted back in for his 14th stint as caretaker manager, however time seems to have taken its toll on poor Gerry, who turns up with a broom and mop bucket. “You did say ‘caretaker’, right?” states a confused Murphy in his first pre-match interview. The usual names are thrown into the hat and the infamous ‘Announcement Tomorrow’ thread is re-launched on DATM. nsevent has now racked up an amazing 1,878,024 posts stating “It’s Adkins”, however the front-runner for the job is Town legend Peter Jackson. Lincoln City top League Two with a near-perfect record and boast the top-scoring strike force in the lower leagues with Kiegan Parker and Phil Jevons already having scored 78 goals between them. However, Jacko’s love for Town is something he cannot ignore and he is all but ready to sign on the dotted line when he expresses his intent of bring the gruesome twosome back to the Galpharm. A lot of umming and aahing takes place in the boardroom before Hoyle and Clibbens decide to turn down Jacko and turn to another Town favourite – Andy Ritchie. Hoyle states his reasons for appointing Andy, “Surely lightning doesn’t strike twice!”

April
The end of the season looms and despite some shocking results of late, Town somehow sit just outside the play-offs and can still mathematically make the top six. Ritchie injects a new lease of life into the Town side and Robbie Simpson finally makes his first start for the club at home to Walsall, however pulls up in the first minute with a thigh strain. Andy Booth is sat waiting in the stands and is on the pitch in no time, easily the best performer on the park. Booth hits a stunning injury-time winner after a mazy run from the half-way line to put Town within two points of 6th place with four games remaining, two at home and two away. Town pick up another four points in April and sit level on goal difference with Millwall for that final play-off spot. Town’s poor ‘Goals For’ tally of 30 hinders their progress.

May
Town start the month at home to Colchester and line up in the infamous 4-5-1 formation with Booth as the lone front man. Many fans are left wondering whether the club has developed in any way whatsoever over the past two years, and their fears are confirmed when Ritchie tilts his body slightly and makes actual contact with the home dugout. A 0-0 draw leaves Town needing a win at high-flying Exeter on the final day of the season, and for Millwall to lose at home to Leeds, whose relegation was confirmed in March. Lee Clark – who, despite being sacked as manager, was kept on in a playing role – is handed the captain’s armband for the match. Town are in peak condition and news from Millwall is that their 30-goal top scorer Kevin Phillips is injured and will not be able to play against Leeds. Nerves are jangling throughout the afternoon as more and more news filters through from The New Den – still 0-0. Town have pulled off a miraculous 2-1 win at Exeter and fans sit on the edges of their seats after the match, waiting for the final score to come through from Millwall. Absolute pandemonium in the stands as it is announced – Millwall 1-0 Leeds! Leeds are consigned to yet another defeat and the fans go wild. On a side-note, Town miss out on the play-offs. The general consensus on DATM is “Next year is our year”, “We just need 3 or 4 signings!” and “Where can I find a Pav ringtone?”

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